Open Confession: My two years of rain Today I learned that I’m still doing things for other people. The reason why I want to do so well on my vocal proformance tomorrow is to prove to everyone in my major that I can do this. I failed last week not because I couldn’t do it but because I let other people rule how I was to perform.
I had a major nervous breakdown in front of my vocal professor today. I tried my hardest to not show any weakness in front of him because in my mind he would look at me as a horrible musician and not worthy enough to be in this music program. I’ve always been good at holding back tears but once I left his office it’s like a dam broke and I experieneced a butt load of emotions I hadn’t experienced in a long time.
At first I blamed God for this. I told him that I was the one doing the right thing by following Him by coming to this school and majoring in music. I told him that I didn’t want to be here and I’m not coming to school tomorrow and that I dropping out. I’ve said this a billion times before but what really scared me is that for a second I actually meant it. I was so convinced that moving away from home and quitting school was my only option at some form of emotional stability or happiness.
Since coming here (back home/CSU) I’ve made some great friends, then lost them within the same semester. I’ve been talked about behind my back and had people spread some ugly rumors about me (some true and some not so true). I’ve hurt my family by decisions that I knew were right (and I still hold to the fact that my decisions were right), I’ve made a fool of myself singing a song that I thought I had in the bag but didn’t, I’ve worn shades in choir because of an eye problem and got noticed for the first time by my choir of all girls (I forget that girls can be so chatty when I’m not around lol). I’ve started a blog for the homosexual community just to realize that nobody not even former gays want to talk about their past even if it is for others to come to know Christ. I spent an entire semester with anxiety issues resulting with me ending up in the hospital. Then spent an entire semester dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts. I went from hating being single, to loving it, to just tolerating it. All of this within a period of two years…in my one year away from home I can definitely I have had way more highs than lows. And even now I can definatley see the appeal of wanting to go back to my “liberal bubble”.
So where does all of this leave me. I really don’t know. I still don’t want to be here, I’ve been this way since the moment I got back here. I still think daily about what others will say about me or if they all secretly hate me. Despite all of this I have learned a lot about who I am and the person that God wants me to be. I realize that the only one I need to please is God and that’s all that should matter. So if I completely botch my vocal performance tomorrow (2nd time in a row…you betta believe I will find another hideous snl performance to compare myself to) it will be because I wasn’t doing my best for me but for somebody else. And there is only room for improvement. (I think).
Open Confession: My two years of rain
Today I learned that I’m still doing things for other people. The reason why I want to do so well on my vocal proformance tomorrow is to prove to everyone in my major that I can do this. I failed last week not because I couldn’t do it but because I let other people rule how I was to perform.
I had a major nervous breakdown in front of my vocal professor today. I tried my hardest to not show any weakness in front of him because in my mind he would look at me as a horrible musician and not worthy enough to be in this music program. I’ve always been good at holding back tears but once I left his office it’s like a dam broke and I experieneced a butt load of emotions I hadn’t experienced in a long time.
At first I blamed God for this. I told him that I was the one doing the right thing by following Him by coming to this school and majoring in music. I told him that I didn’t want to be here and I’m not coming to school tomorrow and that I dropping out. I’ve said this a billion times before but what really scared me is that for a second I actually meant it. I was so convinced that moving away from home and quitting school was my only option at some form of emotional stability or happiness.
Since coming here (back home/CSU) I’ve made some great friends, then lost them within the same semester. I’ve been talked about behind my back and had people spread some ugly rumors about me (some true and some not so true). I’ve hurt my family by decisions that I knew were right (and I still hold to the fact that my decisions were right), I’ve made a fool of myself singing a song that I thought I had in the bag but didn’t, I’ve worn shades in choir because of an eye problem and got noticed for the first time by my choir of all girls (I forget that girls can be so chatty when I’m not around lol). I’ve started a blog for the homosexual community just to realize that nobody not even former gays want to talk about their past even if it is for others to come to know Christ. I spent an entire semester with anxiety issues resulting with me ending up in the hospital. Then spent an entire semester dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts. I went from hating being single, to loving it, to just tolerating it. All of this within a period of two years…in my one year away from home I can definitely I have had way more highs than lows. And even now I can definatley see the appeal of wanting to go back to my “liberal bubble”.
So where does all of this leave me. I really don’t know. I still don’t want to be here, I’ve been this way since the moment I got back here. I still think daily about what others will say about me or if they all secretly hate me. Despite all of this I have learned a lot about who I am and the person that God wants me to be. I realize that the only one I need to please is God and that’s all that should matter. So if I completely botch my vocal performance tomorrow (2nd time in a row…you betta believe I will find another hideous snl performance to compare myself to) it will be because I wasn’t doing my best for me but for somebody else. And there is only room for improvement. (I think).
